when she first asked me, i said no

it's not that she's in my space-- even though it feels like she is...
it's not that she's rude or inconsiderate or abusive or anything like that-- even though it feels like that sometimes too...
it's not that she's using my money or my shit or my time--

it's that, i think, as i'm making these efforts to introduce an element of reality into things, i feel really cramped... and suddenly everything my roommate does sends me into an annoyed tantrum and i start searching for a way to get away.

there's an imaginary list in my head and every time i get the slightest bit irritated by anything, the whole list flashes in front of my eyes with one new addition at the bottom... "oh shit. look what she did NOW..." i wonder if every conversation we ever had was a waste of time, just me bitching and her mostly ignoring and getting offended by it, then just pretending like nothing ever happened... i feel like the very beginning shit from way back is still awaiting resolve, like i'm still offended by every trespass and annoyed by every turn.

there are a few possibilities here; 1) that i am absolutely stubborn and refuse to let anything go... 2) that she has always made excuses and never even the slightest effort to appease me... 3) i'm just an irritable person in general... 4) she's just an irritating person in general... or 5) sometimes people just stop enjoying each other's company...

either way, the only thing that really sends me into an all-out adolescent rage is... (drum roll)... when she smokes pot.

it's like this huge trigger for me and always makes me want to either cuss her out or never talk to her again...

i think it's that, lately, she's been the ultimate perma-stoner, coming home in the middle of the day from her job working with FUCKING KINDERGARDENERS to smoke a bowl, and constantly holding that fucking bong up to her mouth like it's her geriatric life support.

remember, i have absolutely no problem with pot, in general. this isn't some conservative anti-drug campaign to try and get kids straight... in fact, i think a little marijuana does a body good...

but i guess i feel like i don't actually know her and maybe never did, just knew how she is stoned... which feels fake and icky and not at all like the friendship i believed we had. i feel like a joke because everything i've known of her feels like a joke.

i feel really used.



i think i've lost faith that she is ever going to get any more stable. and my impulse is to run.

PROBLEM: i am contractually obligated to live with her for the next 7 months...